sugar woes

I was doing just fine without sugar until I had some on Sunday. It started with a chocolate covered strawberry at the bridal shower, and just that little bit of chocolate set me off. Then a couple days later, I decided that it was okay to dive into the goodie bag from the shower.

You can see where this is going.

Yesterday night, after eating three healthy meals, I decided it was okay to finish the Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans I had stashed away. Then today at work, I felt sick. I felt nauseous. I have felt nauseous even to the point of throwing up at work dozens of times this year. For a hot second I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not nor have I ever been. Something that I do to my body causes me to throw up. It makes me sad to think that I am the sole cause of my pain. It's pathetic really.

Even though I am still eating very healthy meals, it's sugary snacks that I crave. I have been able to abstain from sugar completely for months at a time before, and it is only after a lot of time after not eating sugar that I can eat it normally. Once I cross the line of eating more than I should though, there's no turning back.

I can't keep doing this to myself, no matter how good sugar tastes.

half way

Yesterday was my friend's bridal shower, so I anticipated not eating as well as I have been. It was a brunch buffet, which is basically one of my favorite things ever. I had fruit, cheesy...potatoes (they looked too good to resist), eggs, two slices of bacon, one piece of french toast, a slice of ham, and a chocolate covered strawberry. I just realized that sounds like a ton of food, but I stuck to decent-sized portions. Yes, I could have said no to either the french toast and/or the cheesy potatoes, but...when in Rome. The mimosas were easy to say no to because champagne makes me sick on contact. Something about the carbonation and my stomach does not mix, so I stuck to unsweetened iced tea.

Unfortunately, my stomach felt a little funky for the rest of the afternoon. Meaning: my body is rejecting bad-for-me food. This is good news, I guess, but my inner fat kid is mourning over the loss of fatty foods. For dinner, I just had some chips and salsa and a little bit of carne asada at a friend's house and then sliced cucumbers when I got home because I wasn't very hungry.

Then of course, my stomach hurt this morning. It was a combination of being bloated and in pain. I'm not sure exactly what caused it, especially since I didn't eat much later in the day. It went away by the time I left for work, and I was fine the rest of the day.

I ate well at work, but by the time I got home, I was ravenous. I seem to not eat enough during the day which makes me overeat at dinner time. Does anyone else experience this? I feel satiated at work, then I come home and I become so hungry.

While preparing (a healthy) dinner tonight, I grazed the whole time. Since I was in "stuff my face" mode, I ate my dinner too quickly, which leaves me feeling unsatisfied and wanting more. I must admit, I just ate the salt water taffy that was in my little goody bag. Definitely NOT a clean food. Ergh. Just goes to show that once I feel unsatisfied and in manic eat mode, I want more than I need. 

Take-aways from the last two days:
1. It's easier than I thought to eat healthy at social events.
2. I need to eat my meals slower.
3. I need to feel more full during the day so I don't over-eat at night.

day six

I must confess: I cheated yesterday. But it's really minor, and it was a learning opportunity, so it really doesn't count.

By Thursday, the end of the week had gotten to me, and I had lost enthusiasm for cooking and preparing meals ahead of time. I relied on leftovers and salads to tide me over, but they definitely weren't as fulfilling as fresh meals.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I started craving fruit snacks. I keep a huge stash in my classroom as bribes rewards for the kids, and just knowing they are within arms reach makes me crave them from time to time. After a couple of hours, it wouldn't go away, so I gave in.

I had one little tiny bag and it hurt my stomach immediately. It was like I had just eaten poison. I couldn't believe that just five days into avoiding processed sugar and foods my stomach was rejecting it so quickly. Then I realized, that what I had just eaten was essentially poison. Eventually all of the processed foods that we eat have negative effects on our bodies.

The pain went away after twenty minutes or so. I was glad that I felt that pain only because it reminded me how fragile my body is and that I need to treat it as such.

Tomorrow I'm going to a bridal shower, and while I intend to stick to my plan as much as possible, I realize it may not be completely feasible since we will be at a pretty nice restaurant and I don't want to be fussy. And I'm American; I can't say no to free food.

day four

I don't know about this cleanse business. First of all, I'm really really impatient. As in, I get pissed off if I feel someone is walking too slowly. Don't even get me started on slow drivers and slow talkers.

So four days in of clean eating, I thought I'd be feeling pretty fantastic. I've been eating super healthy and I don't feel much different. In fact, I've been rather bloated and after not eating that much yesterday, I went to bed with an upset stomach.

Today, I felt full/bloated after having (a small portion of) oatmeal for breakfast, and a salad and apple for lunch. It was annoying, to say the least. Then I decided that I should give up and get Taco Bell for dinner, only there is no Taco Bell on my way home from work and luckily I'm too lazy to drive out of my way for even Taco Bell.

So I did the next best thing: ate a few pickles, and made black bean soup. Sorta the same thing. I stuck to the cleanse, but definitely ate more than I was actually hungry for just because I was frustrated.

I'm sure you're going to all say patience, patience, patience, but what if this doesn't help me feel better in any way? What if I'm eternally screwed internally? Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

technical difficulties

This title pertains to quite a few topics. First, this damn blog is annoying me. I'm trying to add some features to it, but I can't figure out how to. Rather, I've figured it out, but they're not showing up. I'm not trying to make it look professional, just slightly better than a fifteen year old's blog about her love for Justin Bieber.

Secondly, the hot water heater in my apartment is kaput. As in: it has flooded some of my carpet and has leaked into the carport (where I park my car), directly under me. In order to stop the leaking before they replace it, my hot water has been turned off. Meaning, I can't do dishes. Meaning I couldn't make the soup I was planning to tonight. I mean I could, but since the sink needs to be pulled out tomorrow in order to replace the hot water heater, I don't want to leave any dishes behind. So it's 7:40 pm and I still haven't had dinner because I'm not sure what to eat.

Lastly, I'm three days into my "cleanse" and I'm having funky...you know. I'm usually quite normal, and thought that this fiber-rich diet I'm on wouldn't change anything. False. I will spare you the details except for the fact that it's just one more thing that is annoying me.

So far, so good on eating healthy. Even though I wasn't very hungry on Monday, I was ravenous yesterday. I snacked and snacked because I couldn't fill up. Luckily, I kept it to healthy snacks. Today my stomach hurt a bit after I snacked on almonds and a banana. Random. I'm pretty sure I'm not banana or almond intolerant, if that exists.

Which leads me to another source of frustration: will I ever feel better? I've been eating really well for three days, and much much better for the past couple of weeks. It doesn't seem there is any rhyme or reason to what makes me feel icky these days. If you haven't noticed, I'm not very patient. Three days into a cleanse and I expect physical miracles and the absence of any physical discomfort. I'm just antsy to see if there are any changes in my body after these two weeks.

Three down, dfjakdjlda to go. (I'm not good at math and don't feel like trying to subtract right now).

day 1

I'd like to put what I have eaten today out there, for good karma or something:

Breakfast- fruit smoothie with protein powder (spinach, banana, OJ, strawberries, and blueberries)
Lunch- the apple oat bars I made yesterday & grapes
Snack- the apple oat bars, two pickles, and half a banana
Dinner- Honey lime shrimp, brown rice, and broccoli

You're probably wondering why I ate such a small and weird lunch followed by small and weird snacks. Here's your answer: Utah. You see, Utah likes to torture children and teachers by starting school at the ungodly time of 7:30 am. Therefore, my lunch is at 10:33 am. TEN THIRTY A.M. DOES NOT A LUNCHTIME MAKE.

So, I'm not always hungry when "lunch" time rolls around, and apparently the smoothie I made was rather filling. By the time I got home from work and a doctor's appointment, I was starving. My normal fix for this would be to graze on whatever random snacks are in my cabinet. (Obviously I still did this, given the oat bar, banana, and pickle combination). I had to really focus on eating a snack that wasn't processed or sugary.

Then I prepared dinner. And I think I have realized that maybe I'm not the best cook in the world. I'm a good baker, that I know, but cook? It's debatable. I grew up cooking, because I come from a family of good cooks and I often made dinner for my family when my mom was sick, so I've always figured that I am a fine and dandy cook.

For starters, the apple oat bars I made yesterday are good, but they don't look like the damn picture. They are definitely more crumbly than they should be. Then the damn shrimp. They also don't look like the stupid picture, and they didn't taste all juicy and flavorful like shrimp should. But I followed all of the directions. To a freaking T. Can I blame the altitude?

Anyway, after dinner all I could think about what eating something sugary. I looked at the jelly beans that I threw on top of my cabinet and contemplating grabbing a stool so I could grab them (because I'm actually too lazy to go through the trouble of getting a stool to stand on top of, I put junk food on top of the cabinet where I know it'll be safe). I decided against it, then thought about the dark chocolate covered blueberries and almonds that I haven't touched since the day I made them. Then, like Amy Winehouse, I said no, no, no. If I've managed to adapt this unhealthy habit of grazing, I can certainly break it as well. Right? Right.

adapting new routines

Since I started teaching in the fall, my Sundays have become a routine of sorts: sleep in, clean a bit, watch tv, maybe go grocery shopping, nap on the couch with the TV on, clean a bit more, watch my Sunday night shows while grading/lesson planning.

REAL healthy, right?

Not so much.

While I do need down-time on the weekends, as well as lots of sleep, I have been wasting my weekends on the couch. I'm not sure when this started, because I used to be constantly on the go between working out, doing work in coffee shops, and hanging out with friends. Now all that appeals to me is hibernating until Monday morning. On one hand, this is understandable since I'm getting older and my job takes a lot out of me. However, lying around all weekend doesn't feel good. And I'm sick of not feeling good and healthy.

After talking with a friend last week about things that have helped her get healthy, I realized that I needed to spruce up my Sunday routine.

I was able to wake up by 9:30 this morning (yes, this is still sleeping in from my normal 5:30 wake up time, but I cannot reiterate how much sleep I need!), relax with the boyfriend for a bit, and then compile recipes for meals this week.

I don't love cooking, especially when I'm tired, but the only way to eat healthy and on a budget is to cook. I'm trying to get over it.

I stocked up on a lot of produce and other staples for this week's recipes. Then I made some lentils and barley for dinner and for lunch tomorrow. It was a very simple dish, but I love the heartiness of it.

After dinner, I decided to make these apple peanut butter snack bars from the blog "Happy Healthy Mama." They were easy to make and pretty darn good for such few ingredients.

Now I have healthy snack bars for the week, as well as all of my dinners planned out.

I must say, feeling prepared feels good. I get prepared for the week in every other aspect of my life, so why shouldn't I for what I'm going to put into my body?

It's funny how quick I am to put my all into my job and other daily duties, but how reluctant I am to really take care of myself. I think we all reach a point of realization in which it becomes quite clear that without taking care of ourselves, everything else suffers. Just ask my poor students, who have had a sub five times this year because I have been out with stomach issues. That's five days of chaos that I had to come back to, adding even more stress to my life!

Tomorrow I'm starting my two week challenge of no gluten, dairy, processed sugar, processed foods, alcohol, or coffee. I think the hardest part is going to be processed sugar...to say I'm addicted to sugar would be an understatement. Fortunately, I feel very ready to take on this challenge and start making some serious changes in my life. Wish me luck!

the rules

For starters, I am challenging myself to blog on my progress, frustrations, and accomplishments every day. Even if it's a paragraph. I like feeling accountable to something, and blogging seems to be more enticing than journaling.

Secondly, I am adapting a "clean foods" diet for at least two weeks. This isn't a gimmicky cleanse, but my approach to cutting out processed and unhealthy foods. Dairy is a must to cut out because I'm lactose intolerant, but I don't always avoid dairy like I should. I'm going to try gluten because it's another common allergen.

Have you tried any "cleanses" or "detox" diets before? How did they go?

new beginnings

Almost three years ago, I started grad school. Returning to school after three years was difficult for me, and I found it hard to sit still and study. So I snacked. And snacked. And became more stressed out. And snacked more. And started working out less. Then I found myself twenty pounds heavier.

Though I am finished with school, I have had a hard time going back to the healthy lifestyle I had pre-grad school. I always find myself making excuses, like "I'm stressed, so it's okay for me to eat (an entire bag of _____________)." Or: "I'll start working out after this busy period." Or: "As soon as ____________ is over, I'll start eating healthy again." I'm tired of making excuses.

My realization that excuses were getting me nowhere came when my younger brother, who has been overweight his entire life, lost forty pounds. He has always been fat. When I was a vegetarian, he incessantly made fun of me for giving up meat. He worshiped meat. He worshiped food. And he hated exercising. Then being between jobs and on a tight budget led him to eating less. He lost a few pounds and then realized he liked losing weight. So then he gave up meat Monday-Friday. He started running. For fun. Before I knew it, my formerly fat brother was exercising more than I.

To top it all off, I posted on facebook awhile ago that I was having issues with my acid reflux, and he commented: "Lose weight. Mine (acid reflux) is almost completely gone now." I cried when I read that. I made fun of him our entire childhood for being fat and never exercising, and now he was telling me that I needed to lose weight. He was right.

Since that post a few months ago, my acid reflux has only worsened. It has caused severe stomach pains and bloating that have kept me from going to work quite a few times. I have spent hundreds of dollars going to doctors to figure out what the pains are. All I've heard is: manage my acid reflux. No doctor has directly told me to lose weight, (I'm not all that large, but I'm definitely not at a healthy weight for my size and frame)but they have suggested that "there are ways to manage acid reflux."

The acid reflux aside, I don't feel healthy. My skin has been a mess lately, even after surviving my teenage years with a perfect complexion. I feel puffy and sluggish. And I have been chronically tired for about...three years now. I think I'm just realizing that I have been tired for exactly as long as I have been carrying this extra weight. I haven't felt fully rested in years and I'm sick of it.

I convinced my boyfriend to watch the documentary "Forks Over Knives" with me last week and it was yet another wake-up call for me, and surprisingly for him as well. He is a stereotypical American when it comes to food. He was raised on processed food, and won't willingly touch a vegetable. Before we started dating, his idea of a nice dinner out was at Chili's. Luckily, he is open to new things, and he has developed a love for sushi and even some vegetables. But like me, he has slowly been realizing he is not healthy. He's not overweight unhealthy, but probably high cholesterol, clogged arteries unhealthy.

Long story short, the documentary convinced him that he needs to start eating healthier, including lessening the amount of animal products he consumes. With his support, I finally feel like I am ready to conquer getting back on track.